


Leave the War With Me

by neabee



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Niall-centric, Solo Artist Niall, Solo Artist Zayn, i kind of ignored gigi's existence in this without meaning to. sorry!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-24 02:17:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14345865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neabee/pseuds/neabee
Summary: A fic looking at multiple points in time: When zayn originally leaves One Direction, when zayn’s album came out, when niall’s album comes out and when he tours.





	Leave the War With Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dinosaur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinosaur/gifts).



> gifting this fic to di(nosaur) a constant inspiration to me in not only the 1d fandom and writing but in life as well! as always thank you for everything cherry pie di! <3
> 
> "We have traveled the world, been in the corner of the globe multiple times we could be able to do it without you."  
> \- Niall in Newcastle, 27/10 (via dailyniall)
> 
> this mistyped quote of niall talking to fans at a concert is what inspired the start of this fic and it kind of spiraled from there! hope you enjoy!!
> 
> title from the london grammar song of the same name

It’s March 16th, 2015 when Zayn tells them he thinks he wants to leave the band. He calls a band meeting in Louis and Liam’s hotel room and rounds up all of them. Harry’s stretched out on one of the beds. Niall perches on the corner of this one. Liam sits on the end of the other bed. While Louis sits with his back against the headboard of the bed Liam is on. Zayn tells them it’s to take better care of himself physically and mentally and just explore more of himself and his life beyond touring eight months out of every year. He says it’s nothing personal he still loves all the boys more than they’ll ever know.

 

Niall’s stopped listening at this point. He stopped listening at the words “I’ve been thinking I might want to like leave the band, if only for a bit”. His brain has short circuited and is running through infinite scenarios where they can make this work, where he can get Zayn to stay. The other boys are of course in shock. They’ve all grown so much together over the past 5 years as a band and also just as friends sharing experiences. Without meaning to or trying to Niall reacts with anger.

 

“You know what, Zayn? We have traveled the world, been in the corner of the globe multiple times we could be able to do it without you! So, I guess this is goodbye after everything us lads have been through, then?” Niall half shouted, a mix of angry and sad.

 

“Niall-” Zayn starts to say.

 

“Just save it,” Niall says and pushes past Zayn, tears already building in his eyes as he storms out of the hotel room. He gets back to the room he and Harry are sharing for wherever they are for this show. He doesn’t remember or honestly care at the moment. He immediately burrows himself into his covers wanting the world to disappear, the world where Zayn doesn’t leave the band. 

 

Doesn’t leave him.

 

Niall doesn’t know how much time passes before he hears a quiet knock on the door, and just as he’s about to shout at whoever it is to go away Harry speaks up having entered the room quietly enough Niall didn’t notice. 

 

“Hey, it’s just me,” he says in that slow, deep voice of his. Niall has always thought Harry’s voice was like honey. Slow, sweet honey. He almost snorts in spite of himself, only Harry would knock on his own hotel room regardless of the situation. Niall pokes his head out from under the sheets.

 

“Hey.” he responds.

 

“So, Zayn said he’s going to talk to management. He’s still doing tomorrow night’s show, and he thinks that might be his last for this tour,” Harry says gently.

Niall rolls his eyes. He doesn’t want to deal with this. He can’t. He can’t believe Zayn is leaving the band after all these years,  _ leaving him _ . He doesn’t understand why Zayn would do this to them, do this to him. None of the other others boy would probably even understand how much this hurts Niall. Why doesn’t Zayn see they all need each other? Every one of them makes up a part of the band, and Niall doesn’t think they can be One Direction without each one of them.

 

 

Niall finds Harry during the short few minutes of a break they have between songs during that show. Zayn’s last show.

“Hey, Nialler. You doing alright?” Harry asks him in his signature gentle, slow drawl.  Niall shakes his head, tears already welling up in his eyes.

 

“I told Zayn we could travel the world without him, but the thing is Harry… I don’t want to!” Niall admits with tears fully tracing their ways down his cheeks now. 

 

“I know, I know. I think though this is something Zayn has to do for himself,” Harry tries to reason.

 

“Well it’s selfish, and shit!” Niall argues.

 

“It is,” Harry agrees and pulls Niall in tighter. If Harry changes his shirt again before the show because Niall snotted on it, no one notices.

* * *

The clock beeps at 12:00 am on March 25, 2016 signifying the release of Zayn’s album. Niall snorts as he looks at his phone finally realizing the date. Today also signifies the day it was announced Zayn was leaving One Direction. Niall hates his brain sometimes and how it just retains that kind of information. He doesn’t want to know if the release date was intentional or just an unhappy coincidence on Zayn’s part. Niall has to give Zayn credit though, anyone would be able to hear Zayn shine through this music and be able to tell this was the kind of music he wanted to make for himself. Niall still feels bitter though about Zayn leaving all those months ago. He doesn’t amount it to anything other than he thinks Zayn let the band down. Niall thinks deep down he’s proud of Zayn for writing something so personal and so evidently Zayn in a weird way. It’s obvious when you listen to the album who’s music it is and Niall really does admires that.

 

Some part of him is still hurt deep down though. He never talked much about Zayn leaving with the other boys, or anyone really. Didn’t know how to talk about it without bringing too many of his own personal feelings into it, and didn’t feel like his were the important ones in the situation. It’s been so long now though he’d feel weird talking to anyone about it and he still doesn’t know if he’s ready anyway. He puts it out of his mind and tries to keep moving on by focusing on his own possible, upcoming solo endeavor. It’s been a few months now since One Direction officially started their hiatus. Niall’s began writing a few songs of his own that he thinks may turn into something down the road, but he’s not quite sure yet. 

* * *

The day his album comes out Niall receives loads of messages across all platforms, mostly from fans and friends and family. The last one he expected though was this particular one from Zayn.

_ Album sounds fuckin beautiful Nialler! Like all the music you listen to and it’s clearly something you wanted to write. Miss you x _

It’s been awhile since Niall really thought about Zayn. Truthfully he always thinks of him in some part of the back of his mind, but more just as Zayn not necessarily as Zayn who left their band, Zayn who left Niall, and especially not as Zayn someone who could listen to Niall’s album just like everyone else. Niall doesn’t think of Zayn as everyone else, he never could. A fair amount of time has passed though since all of that and Niall finds himself feeling less and less resentment and pain towards Zayn and more acceptance towards him and his decision, and in a weird way pride. Zayn is still someone Niall looks up to highly in terms of music, so the fact that Zayn liked his album no less texted him about it means a lot to Niall. He tells himself it only means a lot to him as an artist though, not as Niall Horan, scared 16 year old who is now best friends with four other teenages, and certainly not as Niall Horan, solo artist who never quite got over one of his best friends and bandmates leaving him inexplicably five years into the journey. Niall doesn’t let himself go there, hasn’t since months after Zayn left One Direction, and he doesn’t see a point in going there now for a number of reasons. He decides to leave the text unanswered.

* * *

It’s September 7, 2018 and it’s the day of Niall’s show on in New York. He’s used to this by now, having been doing shows around the world the past several months. However, if he’s honest even after countless shows it feels weird every time to go on stage without the boys. It’s definitely gotten easier with each show. Now instead he goes on stage with his touring band, and they’re all great for sure but they’re not  _ his _ boys. Still he wouldn’t trade touring and making music for the world no matter who he’s doing it with.

The show goes great in Niall’s opinion. One of the best of the tour, even if he says that about every show. The only thing different is on his way to his dressing room Basil intercepts him and lets him know someone is in there waiting to see him. Niall makes his way there confused since he doesn’t remember any of his friends telling him they’d be in New York for his show and would want to see him after the show.

 

It makes sense when Niall opens the door and sees who it is, sees  _ him _ .

 

In a weird way Niall would describe it as a car accident. Everything happened so suddenly, his eyes weren’t really seeing any of it until suddenly he was hugging Zayn. Niall was going to blame it on his subconscious as to why he took five giant steps, half-running to Zayn to hug him. It was easier to blame it on his subconscious than to maybe accept even after everything that happened Niall still wanted any contact Zayn would give him or accept. Zayn returns the hug tightly, and it’s like all of their hugs from a few years ago, but at the same time new.

 

“Hey, Nialler,” Zayn says softly, pulling away to look at him.

 

“H-hey,” Niall returns anxiously. He could do this. He could do this. “I can’t believe you’re here!” Niall starts.

 

“Of course, I came! Couldn’t miss your solo tour when it came to New York of all places,” Zayn tells him. “I’m really proud of you, Ni.”

 

“Thanks,” Niall says, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, unsure what else to do in this moment. He imagined seeing Zayn again in countless way, but surprisingly backstage at one of his own shows wasn’t one of the scenes Niall made up.

 

“Look, I don’t want to like overstep here and I know it’s a long shot, but would you wanna go get food somewhere and just catch up?” Zayn asks him. “Or you could spend the whole time yelling at me. I know I really hurt you guys. I really hurt you, Niall.”

 

Niall doesn’t know why exactly, but he agrees. “Just dinner won’t be enough time,” Niall half-jokes.

 

“Totally fine! How about you ditch the tour bus or hotel for the night and stay at my place? You still haven’t seen it, ya know,” Zayn suggests.

 

Niall really doesn’t know why he agrees to that of all things, but he finds himself at Zayn’s apartment in New York later that night.

 

 

They’re sitting on the couch at Zayn’s apartment with empty takeout containers in front of them.

 

“You know, I never really quite got why you resented me the most out of all the boys.” Zayn begins. “Like, Louis I would’ve understood being the most mad at me, but I thought you would understand why I was leaving more than anyone.” 

 

“I never resented you for leaving the band,” Niall lies.

 

“Yes, you did! You yelled at me the day I told all of you I was leaving. We haven’t spoken in awhile. It’s obvious,”

 

“No, it wasn’t because I don’t! I never did.” Niall defends anger growing. “I couldn’t. I never could,” he finishes softly.

 

“I just don’t understand,” Zayn says.

 

Niall snorts out of anger more than he means to. “Of course, you don’t, Zayn. Why would you?”

 

“Then help me understand!”

 

“No! It’s none of your business,” Niall is half-shouting now, standing up off the couch ready to leave suddenly if he needed to.

 

“You resent me for leaving. Admit it! Really think about it,” Zayn says.  Niall digs the heels of his hands into his eyes trying to stop tears from leaking out. Niall doesn’t know if they’re tears of sadness, anger, or both.

 

“I don’t-I don’t want to. I really don’t,” Niall says wetly sitting back down on the edge of the couch. “Just when you left the band- it felt like the end of an era. It felt like the end of us-the band. It just seemed like you didn’t even care what we’d all been through. You left without a second thought. You left us! You… you left me,” Niall finishes softly.

 

“Niall, I’m sorry. Really I am. I didn’t know you felt like that. I never got the chance to fully explain why I was leaving, but I also didn’t realize I was doing that to you,” Zayn says.

 

“It doesn't matter,” Niall says.

 

“Of course it does! Of course it matters how you feel. It’s you! I want to fix this. Please let me fix this!” Zayn begs. “We can start slow, work our way back to where we were. Just as friends who occasionally text, but I want you back in my life, Nialler. I need you back in my life. I can’t lose you a second time.”

 

“Ok. I think we can try. I’ve missed you more than I care to admit,” Niall agrees.

* * *

They do start slow, and eventually they’re back to texting nearly if not everyday as if they’re in a band again. Niall’s still not sure what they’re doing or where it’s leading, but he gets his answer at the second LA show. He’s told he has a visitor in his dressing room. He figures it’s Louis or Harry since they’re both in the area right now. He’s shocked and at the same time not when he opens the door.

 

“We have to stop meeting like this,” Niall says, smiling crookedly.

 

This time around it just looked like everything was moving underwater or as if Zayn was moving in slow motion towards him. Time moved at a normal pace once more when Zayn pulled away to scan over Niall’s face.

 

“You have more freckles since the last time I saw you,” Zayn observed.

 

“Been out in the sun a lot on this leg of the tour. Summer and all that,” Niall supplies.

 

“They look good. You look good. You always do, Nialler,” Zayn says, cupping his cheek.

 

“Zayn, what is this? What-what are we doing?” Niall whispers, as if he’s afraid of the answer.

 

“Us.” Zayn answers and kisses him.

 

Niall feels settled at the simple answer. They still have things to discuss, but Niall knows they’ll do it together, and he realizes the war within himself is over, and the one between him and Zayn has been over for quite some time, he just didn’t know it until now.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! this is one of the longest fics i've ever written, and one i put a lot of work and my own feeling into, so it's probably the one i'm most proud of to date. feel free to leave kudos/comment! 
> 
> you can find me at my 1d tumblr at muffinmanhoran.tumblr.com :)


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